He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
