a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
