I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
