First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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