On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
this beer tastes like vomit already
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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