she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Im part way to drunk.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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