i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
