the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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