if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
