Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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