I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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