we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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