I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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