Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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