Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
