Just cropdusted the office
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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