what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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