Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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