Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
