i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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