I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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