Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Im part way to drunk.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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