She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
