you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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