My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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