you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
