pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
