he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
