you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
So squirting runs in the family.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
