I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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