made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
