two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
