No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
