Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
