I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
