well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
