My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
