I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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