im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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