She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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