he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
