did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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