I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
