I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.