I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
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I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."