mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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