i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
