i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
