I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
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