so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
