I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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