My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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