Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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