If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
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failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
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I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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