Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
