We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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