If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
