You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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