can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
