remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
