I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
