dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
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I intend to get homeless drunk
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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